


Some Days I Wish I Didn't Have a Tongue

by sparkinside



Category: AFI
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 02:49:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7081864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkinside/pseuds/sparkinside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The truth has a funny way of coming about. Sequel/Companion piece to 'Lonely'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Days I Wish I Didn't Have a Tongue

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.
> 
> Author's Note: 'Lonely' was supposed to be more but time constraints and real life left it feeling incomplete. This piece has been plaguing me for years. I had started it not too long after I posted 'Lonely' on AFISlash and could never finish it. Adam refused to cooperate with me and I feared it would never be finished. I worked on it off and on for years and finally, FINALLY everything fell into place. Adam and Hunter can finally say what they need to. So yeah, my muse decided it no longer hates me...Or at least hates me less than it usually does.

It had been two weeks since they’d last spoken. Two weeks since that night and the disastrous kiss and Adam was still no nearer to understanding what the hell had happened. Yes, he’d been drunk; honestly drunker than he’d been in a long while but that did not give explanation to his behavior.

He’d _kissed_ Hunter. Kissed the man he’d considered his closest friend and confident. Did that make him gay? Did he want to do it again? He didn’t know and a rather large part of him was terrified to find out. So he had thrown himself into his work, allowing it to encompass every aspect of his life, leaving him with barely any time to think let alone feel.

It was better this way, he’d reasoned with himself. It had to be. Anything was better than having to confront Hunter. It had been a blessing that Hunter had left by the time Adam had managed to gather himself enough to leave the safety of his bedroom. There was no way he could have faced him, not then. He needed time to figure out what had happened; time to figure out his next move. 

But the next day only sought to bring a blinding and terrifying clarity to the situation. Adam had crossed a line and judging by the reaction he’d received one he could never uncross. What could he possibly say that would explain, that would justify, what he had done?

If the residents working beneath him had noticed the change in him, and he knew they must have, they remained thankfully quiet about it. And that had been a blessing. He was barely managing as it was, adding their concern and questions onto the load he was already baring would surely push him to his breaking point. 

He ran a shaky hand through his well-mused hair, knowing that he would need to squeeze some sort of nap in if he had any hope of making it through the shift. He was dead on his feet and once again maxed out on caffeine. 

The floor was relatively quiet and had been for the last hour. Now was as good a time as any, he’d figured. After informing the charge nurse and his resident of his plan, Adam dragged himself towards the on call room and mustered up enough energy to pull down the covers before collapsing on the small bed.

 

He awoke what felt like minutes later to the loud buzzing of his pager. Swearing, he pulled himself up, groping the small table near the bed until his fingers grazed over the small black device. He made a brief note of the number before pulling out his hospital issued phone and dialing it. 

It had been a small matter, an order that had needed clarifying, thankfully. Hanging up the phone, he glanced around the small room. He was wide awake now and unfortunately it seemed he would stay that way for the time being. Wonderful.

A quick glance at his watch informed him that it was well past seven; only three more hours to go. He was in the home stretch now, he could do this. Rubbing his eyes one last time, Adam climbed out of the bed and headed back out into the brightly lit hallway. 

He spent his remaining hours on duty double checking his residents’ orders and making another set of rounds on his patients. As draining as his job could he, Adam honestly could not see himself doing anything else. He truly loved working with people, helping them heal. It was an idealistic look at his profession, he knew, but it was what helped him make it through the rough shifts. 

 

With a quick wave at Marcy, the woman who had manned the front desk of the lobby for as long as Adam had been at St. Michaels, he made his way out into the cool evening air. His eyes rose upwards towards the sky. The stars were choked out by the bright lights of the city. He took a deep breath and walked towards his well worn car. He had lucked out yesterday and had found a spot relatively close to the main entrance. 

The drive home was uneventful; he had blasted the radio in an effort to keep his mind active and alert. The toll of his lack of sleep was finally beginning to catch up with him. Adam just prayed he would make it home before it completely overwhelmed him. 

Pulling into the drive, Adam worked to push off the sudden tension that had overtaken him. It was ridiculous and he knew it, to still feel so uncomfortable and awkward in a place that had once been a refuge for him. Turning off the car, Adam made his way up the dimly lit walk to the front door. 

The silence of the house was both comforting and crippling. It was such a stark contrast to what he had grown accustomed to. Though this was technically his home, Hunter never seemed to stay far away for long. He was like an unofficial roommate; the kind that ate all of his food and drank all of his beer and never chipped in on the bills. 

It was annoying but comforting, having that small bit of insanity to balance out the rigid structure of his day to day life. Not having that was something Adam was still trying to get used to. Now more than ever, he feared he never would. 

_Stop it_ , he chastised himself. That line of thinking was not going to help matters. The fact that it bothered him so only served to make Adam more uncomfortable. 

He made his way back to the bedroom, pulling his scrub top off along the way. After dropping it in the nearly overflowing basket near the closet door, Adam made his way towards the dresser. He grabbed a fresh set of boxers and a clean pair of sleep pants and made his way into the bathroom. A shower would certainly do wonders for him. And he certainly needed some way to release the tension in his muscles. 

 

When he stepped out of the bathroom twenty minutes later, Adam felt like a new man. He rubbed a towel over his damp hair as he walked back to his bedroom, his eyes immediately honing in on his unmade bed. Sleep would certainly be wonderful and very much needed. 

Tossing the towel towards the hamper, Adam allowed himself to fall onto the bed, his eyes closing as soon as they hit the cool fabric of his pillow. He fell asleep moments later.

 

Adam woke hours later, stiff and somehow more tired than he had been when he’d laid down in the first place. His sleep had been a restless one, his mind unable to fully shut off. At least he had the next three days off, one of the pluses of shift work he had to admit. He stretched his arms over his head, a yawn falling from his lips. 

He pulled himself from the bed, padding his way towards the kitchen. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, Adam made his way into the living room and settled himself on the couch. He considered for a moment turning on the television and seeing if there was anything on that was worth watching, but dismissed the idea when he had caught sight of the time. At that hour the only thing on would be infomercials about products he had no need or want of. 

So he settled himself back on the couch, closing his eyes. He was still exhausted and maybe a change of scenery would help and if worse came to worst, he could suffer through a few hours of infomercials, he was strong enough or, well, bored enough if he was being honest.

In the back of his mind he knew that sleeping out here would result in a stiff neck, but he couldn’t find it in him to care. Shifting slightly, Adam rested his head on the arm of the couch adjusting until he found a position that was relatively comfortable, for a few hours at least. He drifted off to sleep once more. 

 

Adam startled awake at the sound of a knock on the door. Blinking several times, he sat himself up, his hand immediately rising to rub his sore and stiff neck. Sleeping on the couch was certainly not his brightest idea ever. The knocking grew more persistent and with a groan, Adam pushed himself up from the couch and made his way towards the door. “I’m coming, I’m coming,” he muttered softly under his breath.

In his sleep laden daze, it did not occur to Adam to find it strange that someone was knocking on his door at what he was sure was an incredibly late (or was it early?) hour. Rubbing his eyes, Adam fumbled with the lock before pulling the door open. The person he found standing in his doorway shocked the remnants of sleep from his mind.

Hunter stood before him, hands in his jacket pockets and what appeared to be two weeks’ worth of beard on his face. His eyes were tired and the smile on his face seemed forced. The carefree nature that had been the entire being of his friend just seemed…off. And Adam had no idea what to say. 

“Can I come in?” 

Startled into action, Adam silently nodded and stepped aside, allowing the man to enter. Hunter said nothing as he made his way to the living room and settled on the couch. The similarities between what was happening before him and what had happened that night jarred Adam. The only difference he could note was the unease that now filled the room. 

Neither man spoke, Adam remaining in the hallway near the door and Hunter on the couch, his eyes never focusing on any one thing for more than a few moments. This was hell, Adam reasoned; pure and utter hell. He knew that eventually one of them would be forced to break the silence. Someone would have to say something and that thought was terrifying. 

As much as Adam knew he had to give his friend some sort of answer for his appalling behavior, he was still at a loss as to how. How could he possibly explain something he had no explanation for? His hand ran shakily through his mused hair before raising his eyes to Hunter’s still silent form on the couch. “Do you…Would you like something to drink?” The words sounded pathetic even to his ears.

Hunter nodded, a weak smile forming on his face. Adam wasted no time making his way into the kitchen, grateful for a reason to escape. He pressed his hands onto the counter, leaning his head against his chest. This was ridiculous. He was being ridiculous. He needed to pull himself together before he ruined whatever vestiges of friendship they had left. 

Taking a deep breath, Adam pushed himself away from the counter and slowly made his way to the fridge. He perused through the now pitifully empty appliance, noting that all it seemed to hold were canned sodas and beer. Without a thought, he grabbed to cans of soda, not giving the beer a second glance. _Not again_ , he told himself. 

Lingering a few moments more and trying desperately for the nerve he knew he didn’t possess, Adam made his way back towards the living room. He silently held out a can toward Hunter and settled himself on a nearby arm chair. “Thanks,” Hunter mumbled, popping the tab top and taking a long sip. 

Adam placed his can on the edge of the coffee table, he wasn’t at all thirsty but he’d figured that having a can himself would give him something to fiddle with if things got awkward. Or well, more awkward than they already were. Silence filled the room once more and Adam found himself drumming his fingers along the arm of his chair. A nervous habit he never could quite shake. 

Hunter broke the silence several minutes later, clearing his throat and setting his can on the table. Adam felt himself tense and release a breath he hadn’t consciously been aware he was holding. 

“Why?”

Adam blinked uncomprehendingly.

Hunter sighed again, resting his hands on his knees and looking Adam dead in the eye. “Why?” he asked again. 

Without a word, Adam reached for his unopened can, popping the lid and taking a deep gulp. He was stalling and he damn well knew it. He had forgotten how direct Hunter could be. “I…” he began, placing the can back down again, “I don’t know.” It was the closest thing to the truth he could offer. Adam closed his eyes for a moment, trying to push down the fear and uncertainty that was roaring in his chest. He was being ridiculous and he knew it. Why hadn’t he just laughed it off as a drunken mistake that night? 

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt Hunter’s hand on his shoulder. _So much for remaining calm_ , he thought to himself sardonically as he tried desperately to ignore the sensations the touch, however innocent, sent through him. “I just,” Adam started again, unable to stop the words from spilling from his lips, “What do you want me to say, Hunt? I was…It just happened. I was drunk. Really fucking drunk. And you were there and something in me just snapped. I just…Fuck, I don’t know.”

Pushing himself to his feet, Adam found himself pacing around the living room, unable to bring himself to look as his friend. He didn’t know what to do, what to say. What could he say really? _Sorry I kissed you, Hunt. Is it out of line if I said that part of me really wants to do it again?_ No, definitely not. What scared Adam even more, especially with the lack of alcohol in his system, was that a part of him really _did_ want to kiss him again. What the fuck was wrong with him?

When he had found the nerve to pull himself from his frantic thoughts, he found his friend staring at him. Adam couldn’t quite read the look in his eyes nor comprehend anything beyond the uncertainty on Hunter’s face. Both men remained silent for several minutes more. The silence was deafening to Adam’s ears. 

Hunter brushed his hand through his beard, studying Adam in a way that made him both unnerved and curious. The wheels were turning in Hunter’s head and for once Adam didn’t have a clue which direction they were going. 

“You’ve been drunk before, Adam, and that’s never happened.” Hunter’s tone was even, his words seemed carefully chosen, but Adam couldn’t comprehend the meaning behind them. Not beyond their face value. He _had_ been completely off of his head before with Hunter and he certainly never had even the slightest desire to touch his friend let alone kiss him.

Adam nodded silently before running his hand through his own hair and muttering, “I know.” He didn’t know what else to say. What else could he say, really?

How could he even begin to explain the complete chaos that his thoughts had spiraled into? Explain it to the person that until two weeks ago had been nothing other than a dear friend? Not when he couldn’t make heads nor tails of it himself. God he had really fucked things up this time, hadn’t he?

Once again an uneasy silence fell between them. Adam couldn’t stand it but didn’t have any idea what to say. What to do. He hated it, hated feeling so fucking confused and uncertain. This wasn’t like him. Why the hell did he have to go and fuck everything up?

It took very nearly all of the courage he could muster for Adam to raise his head from the floor and look at Hunter again. His friend’s eyes were still on him, still watching him with that guarded, uncertain look in his eyes. And it frightened him. “I don’t know, Hunter. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I just…I don’t know, lost my head. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“The truth would be a good place to start.” The words weren’t accusatory nor were they sympathetic. Hunter sounded as exhausted and confused as Adam felt. 

“The truth?” He echoed, looking far too much like a deer in the headlights. Adam wasn’t even sure what the truth was, let alone how to even start to explain it aloud. How do you even begin to explain that for reasons even you don’t understand your best friend has become someone you might possibly care for on a far deeper level? If that even was what he was feeling. Adam was as confused as he had ever been.

Hunter simply nodded, waiting. The patience he radiated was terrifying. Adam didn’t know what to say. What to do. God what was he going to do? At the moment Adam would have given anything to be swallowed whole by the floor beneath him. He stared at his hands as though they held the secret of the universe. 

Finally after what felt like hours, but in truth couldn’t have been more than minutes, he cleared his throat, trying desperately to find the words, any words. “The truth is I don’t know. I was drunk and something in my head snapped. I looked at you and it was like I had never seen you before. I can’t explain it. The thoughts just came and I reacted. It scared me, Hunt. It fucking scares me. And I don’t know what to do. You are one of my best friends and I am completely fucking it up because my neurotic brain can’t make up its fucking mind!” He startled himself with his outburst. Once that dam had been broken it was impossible to stop. God, could the floor just please swallow him now.

Silence was all that greeted him and Adam could feel the familiar nausea of absolute terror and fear crawling through him. That was it. He’d done it, alienated one of his closest friends. He pushed himself to his feet with all the strength he could muster and fled. He was a coward of the worst sort.

It took mere moments to enter the sanctuary of his bedroom, slamming the door behind him with a satisfying thud. He couldn’t stay to watch the disgust and anger light Hunter’s features. Adam prayed that by the time he had the courage to leave his room, Hunter would be long gone. He couldn’t stand to face him. Not now that he had pushed that far.

He was startled by the door opening behind him. Frozen in fear, Adam couldn’t force himself to turn, he could barely think straight. He heard the low grumble of Hunter clearing his throat and closed his eyes, waiting for the fall-out he knew was coming. Bracing himself for the worst of whatever Hunter could hurl at him.

“Adam.”

He couldn’t move, couldn’t think. “I know what you’re going to say…” Adam’s voice trembled as he fought to keep it as steady as he could. He didn’t want to hear it. His imagination was bad enough.

“Do you?” Hunter’s voice was that same carefully even tone and it frightened him. 

Adam only nodded in response. _Please don’t make me say it_. 

Hunter sighed. “Adam just look at me. I refuse to have this conversation with your back.”

“What if I don’t want to have it at all?” He could feel the frustration rolling off Hunter in waves, palpably crashing into him and sending his mind reeling. 

The force of Hunter’s hand on his shoulder sent sparks of treacherous desire and choking fear through him. Adam barely kept his footing as Hunter violently spun him around. “We are having this God damned conversation Carson, so help me God!” Adam said nothing, knowing he didn’t stand a chance. “You dump all this on me and run? Jesus Christ Adam, since when have you been such a fucking coward?”

The words stun more than a physical blow and Adam flinched at the contact. He was a coward of the worst sort. There was no way for him to deny it. 

Hunter rubbed his hand over the bridge of his nose, something he had done countless times when angry or stressed. _Somethings never change_. The thought stole through Adam’s mind.

“You are one of my best friends, Adam. You can talk to me about anything. You fucking know that. And I won’t lie, you scared me that night. And I needed time to process, like I’m sure you did.” He paused, letting out a deep breath, “You are someone precious to me. You always have been. And that night forced me to do a lot of thinking. I don’t know what any of it means but I’m not afraid to try.”

Adam’s head snapped up, confusion coloring his features. In any other situation the look on his face would have been comical. Hunter’s words didn’t make any sense. None of this made any sense. “What?” It was the only coherent thing he could utter.

“I don’t know what this means,” he motioned vaguely between them, “But I’m not scared of it or of trying to understand it.” He offered Adam a comforting smile. 

Adam stood dumbfounded. Thoughts and emotions were flinging about him at such a violent speed he feared he would be sick. And he very nearly was. He stumbled blindly backwards until his knees hit the edge of the bed, which caused him to fall awkwardly onto it. He blinked at his hands then up at Hunter who hadn’t moved. “I don’t understand.” And he didn’t. None of this was making any sense.

Hunter offered him a comforting smile before closing the distance between them. He sat on the edge of the bed beside a shaken Adam. Silently, he took Adam’s hand in his own, rubbing his thumb across his trembling fingers. “Whatever this is,” he started, “I’m with you.”


End file.
